Standard Deviations

Do me a favor. Take a moment, wherever you are, to take stock of your body. It’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it? Skin over muscle over bone, tendons thrumming like strings, the blood rushing through veins — the human body is a gorgeous, complex, intricate bit of architecture, a construction that practically sings to be inhabited. It is also, to put it lightly, a huge bastard to live in.

So let’s talk about dysfunction. For the vast majority of us, 90 percent of the time, everything is just gangbusters. We walk, we talk, we dance, we party, we study our sorry frost-bitten bums off and we trudge through snow like studious Shackletons trying to make Queen and Country proud. There are mostly no complaints. But, similar to the way that sometimes when the ice is just right it’s damn near impossible to climb that Battell Beach hill without some serious Spiderman sh*t, sometimes your body doesn’t do what you want it to do.  Sometimes, despite all desire, there are problems.

Most people who’ve been around the block once or twice are familiar with some of these problems — for instance, inability to reach orgasm (and yes, this happens to men too) or conversely, orgasming too quickly (and yes, this happens to women too). There are the anxieties associated with wetness for ladies: far too wet and far too dry are the most commonly heard worries that women have for themselves. And for men, it’s those snickering demons of “erectile dysfunction” and “premature ejaculation” that lurk in even a college-aged mind.

When I say “dysfunction,” though, it’s really a Dr. Evil air-comma word; not to get all patchouli, but think of a dysfunction as something the body hasn’t learned to deal with yet. So while I’ll run through a few common solutions to some common problems, remember that it’s not me, it’s you, and some things just might not apply. Take the problem of wetness, which oddly is one of those things that I think (as a whole) tends to bother women a lot more than it bothers men. Now, if the South Pole ice melt raises the sea level, so to speak, lay down a towel or invest in black sheets — but most men, I think, don’t mind. Conversely, if despite all desire your lady is desert dry, try investing in some quality lube (some great ones can be found at quality sex-toy sites like Babeland or Good Vibrations). Incidentally,  this is not an excuse to skip foreplay, but for one of those times when, “Seriously, I totally would, but my body’s sometimes weird this time of the month.” It’s oil for the engine to make the drive a little better — not a shortcut to speed it up.

Hardness, similar to wetness, scares a lot of men more than it scares women.  The same thing that makes Pfizer millions of dollars is what makes Samson mutter, “I’m sorry Del, I had a hard day at work.” Sure, there are medical problems that cause the gun to fire early, or the barrel to droop (and do seek medical attention, if you believe you have a medical issue) but by and large, fear and anxiety tend to be the biggest causes. (And it becomes a self-fufilling prophecy — you worry that you will, and so you do.) In this, seek alternative modes of transportation other than the time-honored vehicular: travel by hand, perhaps, or by mouth — for the more advanced, a toy is often welcome. Like a roadblock: not an impediment, but a call to adventure.

I’ll address orgasm in another column (and if you simply cannot wait, my lovely co-columnist has writ on it) but here’s a concluding thought that goes for this all: No one knows but you what gets you off. If lube is engine oil, communication is Google Maps. It takes knowing where you live before you start the tour.