In-Queer-Y: "Will You Be My Gay Best Friend?"

The gay best friend is not a new invention. It’s been a running bit on several sitcoms already, an excess of articles written about how to find one. There’s even been a movie on it, appropriately named GBF. Whether it’s middle school or college, female-identifying people everywhere can be found walking next to their gay best friends. And why wouldn’t they? They’re like the coolest thing ever. We’re cute, artistic, good dancers. It shows you’re not homophobic to have a gay friend. It’s so refreshing to have a guy friend who won’t hit on you. The list is endless.

But what does it actually mean to be someone’s gay best friend? Growing up, it actually felt pretty nice to be sought after by so many girls at school. I didn’t really fit in with the boys at school, and I hung out more with their girlfriends than they did. It was a sort of social status that was good in a peculiar way that let me deal with what was otherwise an undesirable situation: being gay.

The thing is, being someone’s gay best friend isn’t just being someone’s best friend who is gay. There are certain conventions that exist within the role. Engage in girl talk. Give your gal-pal sex tips for her man. Go bra shopping with her. Paint her nails. Kiss her so you can laugh about how non-sexual that was. Help her pick a cute accessory, et cetera.

But I didn’t know how to paint nails, I don’t like kissing girls and bra shopping has always sounded unappealing. And while not every friend expected me to do these things, and others were accepting of it when I didn’t want to or know how to do one of my duties, it’s happened to me several times that I’m told, “What kind of gay person are you?”

It was an ugly thing to hear, but for the most part, I was a great gay friend. I’ve always identified a lot with what gay pop-culture is and in many ways, wanted to be that friend. However, in many ways I’m not, with big aspects of myself not fitting what is the stereotypical gay identity. I’m nerdy. I love to play Pokémon. If we go shopping, I’d rather pick clothes for myself rather than you. And I can’t even twerk, although I admit I try. And for other people who don’t identify with what gay pop-culture is at all, the feeling of “not being gay enough” can quickly become a disassociation or resentment of the queer community and their own queer identities.

Even those of us who do fit the role fairly well aren’t necessarily satisfied with how things are. Gay people are people. We aren’t Chihuahuas that you can stuff in a purse to look cute and give you love. We’re fully functional beings with our own desires and needs. (And while we’re on it, so are Chihuahuas).

It is understandable that gay people, especially openly gay people, aren’t always easily accessible, especially in so many high schools. Thus it makes sense for your gay friends to be friends with a unique perspective. Meanwhile, it’s not hard for us to find a straight-cisgender friend. They might be the only access you have to gay pop-culture, which is a rich culture with a history behind it, way bigger than its caricature we see in the media. You may want to learn more about that culture and experience it.

But the idea of a gay best friend implies that the social role of gay men is to be at a woman’s side. The idea of a friendship between a man and a woman only being possible through the man being gay supports the idea that men are sex-driven and incapable of emotion or amnesty. The idea of the gay best friend erases the value of other queer identities and limits the value of gay people to sassy, well-dressed accessories. It reinforces the idea that being gay is not the standard. We are not your best friends, we are your gay best friends. And it gives people a sense of failure when we are incapable of being the kind of friend you wanted, while your other friends don’t have a set of expectations. While it’s a great refreshment to see gay people be celebrated instead of shamed, as gay people become more visible it is important to not eroticize and commodify an identity and remember that all people are individuals and we are friends with those individuals, not a collective identity.