Flannel Mammal

The other day, as I was eating a heart attack in the Grille, working on a paper, I remembered a gold chain that I used to own. It’s been years since I lost that chain, but it made me think, “When did it stop being cool to wear gold?” As is the case with almost every question I have, I turned to God (the Internet). Unfortunately, God’s answer was unsatisfactory. The Web site www.ehow.com gave five simple instructions on how to be cool when you wear gold.

Step 1: Choose your golds wisely. Brassy, yellow gold can be harsh on some complexions. The best shades have hints of coolness to them. Think white, rose and matte gold.

Step 2: Whether it’s a sequin party dress, a soft satin shirt or a short, velvet mini, gold is definitely a statement. That means leave the head-to-toe gold at the disco and pair with simple neutrals.

Step 3: Seasonal combinations of color that’ll work well with gold include chocolate brown, navy and dark burgundy in fall. Try soft peaches, creams and mint greens in the spring.

Step 4: Accessories are another great way to get gold into your get-up. Small clutches, earrings or groupings of bangles act as an accent to other patterns, colors and prints.

Step 5: Finally, if you’ve always been more inclined to wear silver or platinum, try introducing gold in small steps. Buy inexpensive earrings or a big chunky ring. And if you’re not into jewelry, opt instead for a feminine, beaded clutch. The color, mixed with embellishments and textures, will add a touch of glamour to your most basic standbys.

These rules are wrong. Here are the five steps to wearing gold, Flannel Mammal Style:

Step 1: When choosing what kind of gold to wear, your jewelry should draw more attention to itself than to how it works with your skin. I have no interest in showing off my pimply face. Use gold to distract everyone from your haggard complexion.

Step 2: Head-to-toe gold is really the only way to wear gold. Disco is the best kind of music and neutral colors are boring. The more over the top, the more effective the outfit.

Step 3: The only color that works with gold is gold. Chocolate brown makes me think of poop, navy is SooOooOOoooOo ’97, and dark burgundy is only acceptable because of Ron Burgundy. Soft peaches is not a color, cream is too Joan Rivers, and mint green doesn’t look good on anyone. If you can’t bring yourself to rock the gold on gold, just go with a flannel.

Step 4: This may actually be the only relevant rule that the kind people at www.ehow.com included. Gold accessories are the best kind of accessories. Gold fronts are one of the best accessories. Nothing like literally putting your money where your mouth is. I also love the big golden hoop earrings with the owner’s full name inside them. I want to get my ears pierced just so I can rock some golden Philippe Bronchtein hoop earrings.

Step 5: If you’re thinking about wearing gold, get aggressive. There’s nothing worse than someone making a flailing, half-hearted attempt at making a statement. Wear gold and wear a lot of it.

Wear gold and go disco.