Preface to Lunch Slapping a label on Middlebury romance

Author: James O'Brien

After my last column came out, a friend asked me what my thoughts were on "labels." I thought the question was interesting enough, so I'm taking a one week break from my pseudoinvestigative journalism to answer this question.

The three main categories of Middlebury romantic involvement are as follows:

Boyfriend-Girlfriend/Boyfriend-Boyfriend/Girlfriend-Girlfriend:

Sadly, all of the people who you would actually want to date fall under this category, because they are already in a relationship with someone else. You were too slow. For some reason, this always seems to happen to you.

Hooking-up: I don't think anyone has decided themselves that they are "hooking-up." This is a label placed on a couple by the outside world when they see the same people drunkenly stumbling toward eachother's dorm room on the weekends. For the sake of simplicity, I'll also place agreeable one-time hookups in this category, where 66.67% of Middlebury students currently reside. There is, of course, some category overlap, because, at the same time that you are hooking up with one person, you could be that person for someone else.

Mistake: You'd imagine that the category of "mistake" would be relegated to people that you don't know. A random stranger ends up in your bed, and you're wondering if you used a condom - and if you didn't use one, then you're wondering if it was because she inexplicably wants to have your child or if he's a secret agent from a pharmaceutical company who gets a $100 bonus for every STD he spreads. But often, though less often here at Middlebury, the mistake category contains "people you know pretty well who you never wanted to see naked." The worst is when it's one of your "really good friends." If it's a guy who is the "mistake," though, don't worry about it - he was just waiting for that opportunity anyway, and if you're not friends after this, it's okay, really.

Now, in those rare cases where someone moves up the ladder from "mistake" to "hooking-up," or even all the way from "mistake" to "dating," how does this happen? We would like to attribute this to some mystical quality, like the compatibility of your two eternal souls, but it really has more to do with hormones, phenotype, orgasms, and whether or not birth control is messing with your gene structure. More importantly, though, the following two external factors decide your fate in the social hierarchy of your crush.

1a. The Council of Friends: A group of three to ten of your closest friends composes this tribunal, which is organized for the purpose of determining the overall merit of your newest companion. If the Council does not approve of a potential mate, they will repeatedly try to drive you - the na've friend who does not have the power to think for yourself - away from your target. The Council is much like the United Nations. Some of us are secure enough in our own judgment to bypass the Council of Friends, because we are convinced that our target is "nice" or "hiding weapons of mass destruction," but in the end, resisting the Council is futile and it will only put us billions of dollars in debt…An imaginary USA Today poll has confirmed that 75% of relationships are in some way dictated by the Council of Friends. Even if you continually espouse the merits of your new guy/gal to your friends in an attempt to ignore the Council's negative opinion, they eventually wear you down - even if only subconsciously. You start to notice flaws that you didn't see before, simply because your friends' negative comments have you looking closer. His laugh sounds a bit girly. Her pinky toe is just a little too long. These are things that you notice if the Council fails to give a positive opinion. Likewise, if the Council praises your new mate, you can ignore attributes that would typically be deal-breakers-such as body odor, dullness, or a strange penchant for evil-doing.

1b. Public Opinion Factor: What does the public at large think of our new mate selection? Is she hot (i.e. do other people think she is hot, because often our own judgment won't suffice)? Does he play a sport? These things are good to know when reviewing a potential mate. Otherwise, how the hell are we supposed to tell one person from the other? We're really all kind of similar.