What About Bob?

Author: Bob Wainwright

I Pledge Allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under...
Whoaa! Hold on a second there. I know exactly where you're going with that, and I don't like it one bit. You saying the G-word in public is nothing less than a condemnation of my personal decision to be an atheist.
Wha? Huh? What are you talking about? Who do you think you are anyway?
Who do I think I am? You know exactly who I am. You've known me for years. Perhaps I should refresh your memory.
Go ahead. The column's yours.
I'm the guy who sued McDonalds because their hamburgers made me fat, and before that because their coffee spilled on my lap while I was driving. I'm the person who only swipes one of my fifteen items at the self-check-out counter of the grocery store. And I'm the catcher who sued his youth league baseball coach in 1999, because we ended the season 0-15.
I'm the reason why you now need to pay first at most gas stations. And I'm also the inspiration behind the signs in restaurants that read, "Rest Rooms for Customers Only." I'm the kid who watches dangerous stunts on television and then attempts them in my back yard. And I once changed my name to Jackass and then sued MTV for stealing it from me.
I helped drive up your insurance rates by suing my doctor for undue stress after she told me I needed more tests. I also took 2 million dollars from American Airlines after I was thrown from my seat during 28 seconds of turbulence. And I'm also responsible for the warning label on their peanuts, which read, "Open packet, eat nuts."
I'm the employee who injured his back opening a jar of pickles and then retired on the settlement money. Since then, I've become the consumer responsible for a number of warning labels. They include Sears hairdryers: "Do not use while sleeping;" Superman Halloween costumes: "This garment does not enable you to fly;" Nytol sleep aids: "Warning -- may cause drowsiness;" and one I'll never forget, Swedish chainsaws: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
You're despicable. How is it that you're allowed to exist? Why haven't you been banished to some distant island in the middle of nowhere?
Simple. You see my friend in the corner over there? The well-groomed guy in the nice clothes, who looks like he can do no wrong? Well, his name is Democracy. I trail him wherever he goes and he protects me, even when he doesn't want to.
I still think I'm going to punch your teeth into your throat.
Fine with me. I could use the cash. In fact, why don't you do it while I smile and say, "subpoena?"