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Monday, Mar 4, 2024

Alarm Clock Horrors Solved

Author: [no author name found]

Good morning, alarm clock. It's not time to wake up. No no, it's time to die. Sorry readers, I'm a bit on edge. My alarm clock and I are having a difficult time in our relationship. See, I want to end our relationship, and it wants to continue to wake me up with a rhythmic "beep, beep, beep."
Alarm clocks, in case you didn't know, were invented by Satan. They were made to rob us of sleep, destroy our dreams and steal our sanity. And boy, I love to sleep. I try to get the average amount of sleep for a college student, 16 to 18 hours per day. On weekends, I don't get up till 10 p.m. After a hard day of math, science, ping-pong and history, I do enjoy a good rest.
So my alarm clock and I are having some difficulties. I mean, I'm an understanding guy. I'm willing to let it have a few days off now and then. But the thing isn't willing to negotiate. So I have another negotiating tool: My bat.
That's when they first took me to the counselor. They said I had "anger issues." I said I was deprived of sleep and tormented by a masochist machine! That was probably not the wisest thing to say, because it only made the counselors more worried. After several months of therapy, I haven't hit my alarm clock once. I get up at the prescribed time, curse profusely and lightly pet it to turn it off. I'm learning to be gentle to my alarm clock, to accept my hours of sleep. Stupid doctor's orders.
But now I've been thinking. Maybe it's the lack of sleep (I'm only getting 12 to 13 hours now), but I have a theory. Hear me out on this one. What if we just all slept in one day? What if there was a world without alarm clocks? What if, dare I say, we get up when we want? What if we had a revolution against our chorological oppressors?
I understand, this will take some cooperation. But if everybody in the country did it, I think it be a great thing. We're America, we can do pretty much anything we want. We're far ahead of most nations; a couple of extra hours of sleep won't hurt us. This utopia would surely leave everyone in a better mood. I bet it will cut down the number of car accidents, murders and Republicans dramatically. It would be bliss.
There would be no such thing as being late for work. All classes would begin at approximately noon. People would be courteous to their neighbors, pleasant to their fellow human beings. It would be like the holiday season, minus the frantic hunt for Pokemon.
There would be some drawbacks though. The mail would come later, sure. And heck, we'd probably bankrupt every coffee company in the states. More sleep means less need for coffee. Starbucks will have to rely on the addictive ingredient of their coffee alone.
Be that as it may, I feel the benefits would vastly outweigh the drawbacks. But we need everyone in on this, so I'm writing a bill for Congress as we speak. The basic outline is that the bill would allow us to bash in our alarm clocks with whatever blunt object/explosive device we want. On the other hand, it would be like instituting the honor system on the entire nation. If you get up later, you still have to get some of your work done so that the country doesn't go to hell and get taken over by Luxembourg.
Now I'm going to take a nap. Starting this revolutionary utopia has taken a lot out of me. I've got to get some rest in order to get that bill finished, after all. What's that you say Mr. Alarm Clock? No, it's not time to get up! WHAM WHAM WHAM! Viva la revolution!


Christian Holt is a first-year from New Jersey. He is a regular contributor to The Campus.


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