I don’t think there’s a single person who lives in the U.S. who would say that our country is not going through a significant political crisis. The political conversation is ever-present. But what concerns me is the politicization of our personal lives. In particular, we need to stop politicizing our romantic lives. Going forward, I’ll be talking specifically about heterosexual relationships.
In Vogue’s recent “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing" article, it’s apparent that there’s a part of the internet rapidly expanding to be anti-boyfriend. It’s also becoming political. With one woman going so far to make the statement, “‘Why does having a boyfriend feel Republican?’” And that is exactly where we all, especially women, need to take a collective pause. Since when does romance have political ramifications and connotations?
The ultra-conservative Christian movement is currently on a crusade against single women. So-called “trad wives” are the model women. They’re cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children while their husbands are at work. It’s a nostalgic 1950s callback to a time where a nuclear family was the end goal of most women’s lives.
On the other side of the aisle, liberal women are swearing off men, or at least significantly minimizing men’s roles in their lives. They’re embracing another form of nostalgia: girlhood – a girlhood defined by a unique feminine freedom. This freedom is centered around female friendships, financial independence, and cultivating a lifestyle separate from a partner. A man, at best, is a nice addition, and at worst, he represents something that prohibits a woman from finding her true self. Liberal women, unlike Conservative women, don’t have the goal of marriage, or any form of an agreed upon universal end goal.
As with all discussions that trend online, it’s become a black-and-white situation. To feel like a good MAGA Republican, or even Christian, a woman must see herself behind a white picket fence. To be an empowered woman in the Democratic Party means disregarding men.
If we let the comment of “‘Why does having a boyfriend feel Republican?’” become so important, we’re going to start judging our friends and family by their romantic relationships. We’re going to associate moral value with how people conduct their personal affairs, just as we judge a person based on who they voted for in the 2024 Presidential election.
Sitting on the floor in my friend’s dorm, these ideas came up naturally. We were discussing what constitutes a feminine man or a traditional male provider and where those two definitions might overlap. As I explained my definition of a modern man provider, my friend jumped in: “Why are you thinking about your type in terms of marriage? Doesn’t ‘a provider’ seem so conservative?”
I think the shock in her statement stemmed from the knowledge that politically I am a staunch liberal – capital “D” Democrat. Yet, somehow, I had drifted to the other side of the romantic political aisle.
Pausing, I asked myself whether she was right. Was I wrong in my belief about relationships? But then I realized that all women need to know: Our relationships are our own – they are private and function according to our needs and those of our partner, not those of a political party. Feminism is the concept of a woman’s choice. Women have the choice to work, stay at home, or to live their lives in a way that fulfills them.
There is no black-and-white way to function in a relationship, especially along stereotypical political lines. Political status quo should not dictate how people express love.
Suppose a liberal woman has a white picket fence, three golden retrievers, and four children; does her “trad wife” nature negate her deep political beliefs and the sincerity of her political action? I hope not.
The same goes for conservatives. A staunch Trump supporter should not be shamed by her MAGA friends for rejecting being a traditional wife or not wanting marriage at all. For me, we already have too much political division to nitpick our political enemies for how they conduct their romantic lives.
At the end of the day, if it is truly a woman’s choice and her convictions are strong, then let her define how she relates to men. A woman must have the autonomy to choose.
As women, we already have so many social pressures online and from the people and institutions we interact with every day; We don’t need to exacerbate that hate by judging another woman based on her romantic relationship. We don’t progress towards a more equitable world when we limit a woman's experience. After all, are men under these same social pressures regarding romance? No. We’re just dragging ourselves down.
