At some point in time you may have heard that sexual activity can be a de-stressor. For example, NBC News published a 2008 article titled “More sex, less stress,” declaring to their audience that by having sex, they can reduce the undesirable buzzword of “stress.” Sex is a natural stress-buster, but it is a misconception that by simply having more sex, your problems are magically solved. While it is partly true that physical intimacy and sexual intercourse can have positive effects on mental health and well-being, it is important to keep in mind that using sex as a de-stressor can work for some while not working for others. At SPECS, we advocate to Middlebury students that sexual activity, however one engages with it, is not a simple fix for stress, nor are the two mutually exclusive.
Sex affects stress, but stress also affects sex. Sex researchers have theorized the existence of a “Dual Control Model” operating in our brain. This model, which refers to the brake (sexual inhibitors) and the gas (sexual accelerators), controls both psychological and physiological responses to sexual stimuli. These two systems are simultaneously functioning, constantly scanning the surrounding environment for sexually relevant and non-sexually relevant stimuli. For instance, physical touch or the sound of your partner(s) voice can be arousing, but if you are in a large social setting, or perhaps with family, you would likely not be as turned on as you would be when alone or behind closed doors with your partner(s). The Dual Control Model also affects us on a subconscious level: Even if you were in your ideal physical setting to engage in sexual activity, your stressors might have inadvertent effects on your physiological responses. You might not be as ‘in the mood’ if you have a huge exam coming up the next day or if you just had a fight with a friend and it is on your mind.
Additionally, someone’s physical arousal does not necessarily mean they are turned on and consent to sexual activity, just as the absence of someone’s physical arousal does not equate to them being turned off and wanting to stop. This phenomenon is known as arousal non-concordance. It is therefore vital to prioritize communication and safety at all times, keeping in mind the consent model of FRIES (Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic and Specific). While you or your partner(s)’s body might not be responding to sexual stimuli based on external factors, it is important to listen to what they are saying, not their physical response or the lack thereof.
But what if you’re not having sex? For example, asexuality and aromanticism are realities for some people. Physical, emotional and sexual intimacy may intersect for some while being completely differentiated — or nonexistent — for others.
While often the villain of many myths, masturbation can also be a pleasurable way to discover more of what you like while benefiting from some added stress-reducing side effects. Masturbation can release hormones like oxytocin, endorphins and dopamine that boost one’s mood significantly and reduce cortisol. It is also the safest form of sex, as there is no risk of pregnancy and almost no risk of transmitting sexually transmitted infections (STIs). So even while not engaging in partnered sex, you are still able to experience the psychological benefits of sexual pleasure.
While your stress might inhibit your sexual drive, there are ways to seek out stress-reducing pleasure as discussed by Lou Forrester in “Sex When You’re Sad: A Low-Energy Pleasure Toolkit.” SPECS recommends reading this article if you want to learn more about the intersectionality of emotion and sex, and also contains messages that could be relevant in other parts of life.
There is no reason to believe that sex is the magical fix to solving any and all problems with stress. Connecting with anyone and using physical touch of any kind (if that’s your jam) can ease stress. Especially as college students, there are more productive ways to cope with stress other than sex. Get outside, focus on friendships and reserve some time for yourself each day. Taking breaks and getting enough sleep are better for your productivity in the long run, anyway.
SPECS supports those wanting to destress in the ways that feel comfortable to them, and we want to remind all our readers that you are not summed up by a single category. You are not just your academic performance, the activities you do, your friendships, your sex life or your stress, but a sum of all of your unique parts. As college students, desires sometimes conflict with subconscious inhibitors such as stress, making it important to pause and readjust. Here at SPECS we encourage you to create a balance, especially when it comes to your sex life. Do not only use sex to medicate your stress, and try not to stress about not having sex. Our lives ebb and flow, and that is all part of the journey.
