A Dean is Crowned

This week, I plan to use my column in a rather self-serving manner. First, some context. Last week I was fact-checking an article in the Campus office, or as I fondly call it, Hepburninhell, when I came across a list of all the deans at our fine institution. Apparently, there are 25 of them! Who knew? There are the obvious ones, like the commons deans and the dean of the college and the dean of faculty, but there are many people that I never knew had been deaned (I imagine being deaned is akin to being knighted, with the requisite ceremony where you are awarded your deanhood by King President of the College Ronald D. Liebowitz, and get your official dean sword in the secret throne room in Old Chapel. Or maybe I just have a hyperactive imagination...).  Mike Roy wins longest and awesomest job title, dean category: L. Douglas and Laura J. Meredith Dean of LIS and Chief Informati. As far as I can tell, Williams College has only six deans (It’s kind of hard to tell, their directory is far less intuitive than ours (Two thumbs up L. Douglas and Laura J. Meredith Dean of LIS and Chief Informati Mike Roy!). Amherst College beats us by two with their 27 deans.

The reason my column is quite selfish this week is because I plan to use the rest of my column as an application for a position as a dean at Middlebury College. There are already so many, I don’t think anyone would notice if there was one more, and we don’t want Amherst to beat us when the Princeton Review starts reporting dean-to-student ratios!

I’m not too picky about what my job title would be. I would just be honored to be selected. However, I do think that Honorary Dean of Sarcasm and Snarkiness rolls off the tongue nicely. I’ve always aspired to be the Ambrose Bierce of Middlebury College — this title would just make it official (I very much try to live by Bierce’s definition of wit: “n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out”).

You don’t even need to pay me. I just want to serve the public of Middlebury by continuing my general poking fun of Middlebury with the endorsement of the administration. Not to toot my own horn, but I think my experience at the College shows that I am ready to take this next step. I’ve been at the College almost four years. If I were an academic, I would already be an assistant professor by now. I think it’s time for a promotion. I would happily guest blog on “Ron on Middlebury,” writing about important issues like pushing even harder for drafting Liebowitz’s Army, plate snatchers and the best ways to acquire caffeine on campus. I would even let Tim Spears , former dean of the college, interview me for “Across Campus.”

So, as I sit here in the Den of Iniquity (my other fond name for the Campus office), I ask you at least to consider hiring me as the Honorary Dean of Sarcasm and Snarkiness. I promise I would do Old Chapel proud.