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(03/14/19 9:58am)
Editor’s note: Throughout the semester you’ll be reading articles from Middlebury students of different identities and experiences on all things sex and relationships.
I have a confession, sex kittens. I, the one and only Sex Panther, knower of all things sex, did not purchase my first sex toy until I reached the ripe old age of 20. I know. I KNOW. Commence the boo-ing and throwing of rotten vegetables.
But I also feel like my own experience is not too out of the ordinary; I grew up in a conservative household (surprise, Mom, I’m a sex columnist now!) and felt disconnected from my body. I didn’t like to look at myself naked; I would run from my closet to my shower to avoid catching a glimpse of my prepubescent nakedness in the mirror. The culture was very much one of shame, of “don’t ask don’t tell” and of pushing down any hints of sexuality until you are of Proper Dating Age, and even then sex was supposed to wait till marriage.
When that little glimmer of sexual awakening first began, I was afraid of my own body. I felt dirty touching myself. Throughout high school, I felt this immense shame and disgust for my own body every time I masturbated. It took a lot of self-motivated body-positive, sex-positive education on social platforms that I didn’t have access to at home.
I was dead-set on procuring a vibrator. There were so many options to choose from, though, I didn’t know where to start. Rabbits, bullets, dildos, the intimidating holy grail magic wand, eggs, clitoral and g-spot vibrators abounded. But I finally had a single room and was tired of being too nervous to flick my clit while living with a roommate. So biting the bullet (pun intended) and buying my first silicone vibe from an Amazon account I created specifically for the purpose felt exhilarating. And terrifying. And really, really, really good.
Buying my first sex toy opened up my eyes to a world free of shame and full of pleasure. I originally hid it in my drawer. But then I thought, “fork it, why should I be ashamed of a piece of hot pink silicone that vibrates in my ‘vag’?” Keeping your sex toys out on the desk can be a great conversation starter. I refuse to actively hide my growing collection of sex toys as if it is something to be ashamed of; leaving them on my bedside table not only reminded myself of how sensual I could be in my own body but also as a reminder to my hookups that if they didn’t get the job done, I could do it myself.
Because when I started embracing my sex toys as part of the toolkit I used to maintain my own health, everything changed. Of course, not everyone who has sex may be able to or want to use sex toys as part of their experience, and that is perfectly fine too! And people who don’t have sex may have more expert knowledge than you or I could ever know. That’s what is so great about sex toys-- they give you the agency to say how fast, how slow, how hard or soft or any number of variables in between fit your comfort and pleasure levels. Exploring on my own, I discovered things I liked, things I didn’t like and some things that felt weird but not like, weird weird, maybe a good weird, ya know? And that is vital knowledge to have of your own embodied desires if you plan on having sex with yourself especially, but also with others. Toys helped me gain the confidence and vocabulary to demand the best for myself and to stop accepting terrible hookups and start accepting mind-blowing sex with myself completely on my own terms. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll take a quick study break with some (non-silicone) lube and my favorite vibrator. Writing is exhausting.
Xoxo,
Sex Panther
(03/07/19 10:58am)
Editor’s Note: Throughout the semester you’ll be reading articles from Middlebury students of different identities and experiences on all things sex and relationships.
This week’s Sex Panther is coming to you from a person in a committed relationship on campus. While there’s a lot to say about how to maintain a relationship at Middlebury, I’d like to talk about the importance of continuing communication about your sexual relationship. Not all long-term relationships include sex, but for many it is an important element.
At the beginning, everything is new. You’re exploring and figuring out how to be in a relationship with someone else, including the sex part, and there is a lot of room to change things. But when you’ve been with someone for a long time, sometimes sex becomes part of the routine. We hear pretty often that communication is key to any relationship, and sex is no different.
I’m not talking about having conversations about sex just regarding consent (which you still need before every sexual experience no matter how long you’ve been together!!) but in really talking to each other about satisfaction and sexual health in the relationship.
Checking in about your sexual relationship can help prevent what some relationship counselors call “sexual boredom.” Sexual boredom can occur in long-term relationships when one doesn’t necessarily become less interested in sex, but less interested in sex with their partner as compared to the beginning of the relationship. In my opinion, people in long-term relationships should be getting just as much fulfillment from sex as people in new relationships, and having check-in conversations is one way to promote that.
In order for this to happen, partners should try to be honest with their needs and wants while being receptive to their partner’s. People change and preferences evolve, and while it sometimes feels easier to stick with doing the same things as in the beginning of a relationship, that might be hindering both people from living fuller and more satisfying sex lives.
If you want to start talking with your partner about this, but just aren’t quite sure how, you can start with simply asking after sex “How was that for you?” or “Did you like when we did this?” This can often pave the way for a continuing conversation. You might be surprised that something you’ve been doing for a long time doesn’t really do anything for your partner, or there’s something that they really like that you didn’t know about.
It can feel weird. It can be awkward. Even with someone that you are close to. But hopefully, in the end, you’ll come away with a better understanding of each other, and with fuller and healthier sex lives.
(02/28/19 10:55am)
Editor’s Note: Throughout the semester you’ll be reading articles from Middlebury students of different identities and experiences on all things sex and relationships.
Let’s talk about lube. No, really. We need to have a heart-to-heart about why some of y’all don’t seem to understand that sticking anything in anyone is gonna require some liquid love. If you’ve got a vagina, sometimes your yoni can take care of that need for you, but sometimes it doesn’t. And if you’ve got a butthole (for your sake I hope you do because if you don’t you might want to get that checked out) and you wanna stick stuff up your (or someone else’s) butt, you’re gonna need to add lube.
For my fellow queers, this probably isn’t news. Lubricant love is strong in queer circles. We have long been indebted to the virtues of lubricant in sexual situations. Personally, I carry a mini-packet in my condom case (you do carry your condoms in a case so that they aren’t compromised by friction or sharp objects, right? Right?!?!) to whip out should the need arise with my honey. Believe me, we queers know lube.
But most straight folx? Not so much. Painfully not so much. Straight boys, listen up: if your partner(s) can’t get wet on their own when you’re going at it, even though they are enthusiastically consenting to what you’re doing and you’re both into sticking stuff into each other, chances are you need lube. Otherwise, you’re going to end up with chafing at the very least and a ruined sexual relationship at worst.
It’s important to combat the notion that to be good at having sex you shouldn’t need any ‘outside help’. The belief that folks with vaginas need to be able to get wet with a smoldering glance from you is laughable. Foreplay is important, y’all!!!!!! It is perfectly normal, natural and biological that every vagina is different. Some may literally drip when they’re turned on, and some may not produce any lubrication at all, even if they’re hornier than a bunny in May. So stop it with that wet = aroused nonsense. I am here to tell you that that assertion is certifiably false, sex kittens. That is just your fragile masculinity talking, and it ain’t sexy.
To be fair, you may not have ever considered not listening to that little voice of toxic masculinity, but now would be a great time to start considering it. Your partner and their orifices will thank you.
“Wahhhhh but if I take time to get out lube, I have to stop mid-coitus. It kills the mood! :(((“
Well, buddy, if stopping to make sure your partner is having the best experience possible ‘ruins the mood’, stopping isn’t the problem. And while you’re stopped, maybe ask your partner(s) what would feel good, or check in about consent or engage in some dirty talk. And if you and your sweetie enjoy incorporating toys in the bedroom (or wherever, no shame), lube can be a lifesaver! Just be careful to use a lube that is safe for your specific situation.
Remember, kids SILICONE LUBE MELTS SILICONE TOYS. And oil based lube erodes condoms, so keep coconut oil in the kitchen if you’re using a latex condom. Water-based is generally safe for all bodies and surfaces, but the only downside is that it tends to dry out more quickly, so you may need to take a couple of extra moments to re-apply and make sure everything is going smoothly down there.
Here’s the thing: foreplay is a fun, sensual, wonderful part of sex and incorporating lube into foreplay can ramp up the mood in a very hot way. So grab some packets from Parton, or invest in some lube for your (sexually) active lifestyle and get gliding!
If you have a topic you’d like to see written about or you’d like to write your own Sex Panther column, visit go/sexpanther to get in touch with us.
(02/21/19 10:57am)
Editor’s Note: Throughout the semester you’ll be reading articles from Middlebury students of different identities and experiences on all things sex and relationships. If you have a topic you’d like to see written about or you’d like to write, visit go/sexpanther to get in touch with us.
Sex Panther here — and just so you know, I’m queer. And it sometimes throws people off when they hear me describe myself that way, especially people who aren’t in the community. “Can’t you just say gay?” “Isn’t queer a derogatory term?” “Are you reclaiming that or do you just want to be edgy?”
The term ‘queer’ does have a varied and often convoluted history, and yes, historically, it has been used as a slur. However, it is also an academic area of study, a verb and an adjective. There is a lot to get used to, and to be honest, I myself am constantly learning and unlearning new things about how we as non-straight people exist and are perceived in society. It’s a process. There’s a lot to unpack, but consider this a crash course on queerness. So buckle up, sweeties!
To start off, I’m going to give some background (skip this if you’re lazy or like, a GSFS person): the academic disciplines of Queer Studies and Queer Critique are heavily influenced by the works of two very famous theorists, Michel Foucault and Judith Butler. Here’s a run-down just to give some context to the often-overwhelming world of gender, sexuality, and feminist studies and to show how these words have moved outside the lecture hall and become more commonly used terms. Many consider Foucault to be a poststructuralist theorist; he focuses on the way that discussions around things like power and sexuality have been formed more than the content of the discussions themselves. In a queer studies context, Foucault argues that the body is “the site in which discourses are enacted and where they are contested.” That means that identities are often simplified or essentialized and projected onto different people’s bodies and that the presentation (or the ways in which a person manipulates the expected presentation) allows the person to challenge or accept that identity within the larger context of society, like putting on different outfits to fit into different scenarios.
[pullquote speaker="" photo="" align="center" background="on" border="all" shadow="on"]Identities are often simplified or essentialized and projected onto different people’s bodies.[/pullquote]
Judith Butler also talks about the “performativity” of gender and the ways in which a “body becomes its gender through a series of acts which are renewed, revised and consolidated through time,” in her 1988 essay titled Performative Acts and Gender Constitution: An Essay in Phenomenology and Feminist Theory. This means that the things our contemporary society associates with being a woman or a man (the clothes we wear, the way we cut our hair, the jobs we do, the pitch of our voices, the way we react to social situations) are all things which are not innate, but rather are created and mandated by the society in which we live. Basically, gender (and attraction to gender, which we call sexuality) are things that we as a society generally create and agree upon, but don’t necessarily consider to be made up. It’s a whole lot of self-delusion, really.
We’re going to springboard from this revelation into the way that, as part of the male-female gender binary that society creates (and which most bodies perform), heterosexuality (ya know, straightness) is also part and parcel of this dichotomy. Butler says that “there are strict punishments for contesting the script by performing out of turn.” I know. What does that even mean?!? “Out of turn” can mean anything which challenges what mainstream culture perceives as norms of gender or sexuality: people who aren’t straight, girls who shave their heads or dress like men, or people who don’t even fit into the categories of male or female.
[pullquote speaker="" photo="" align="center" background="on" border="all" shadow="on"]It’s a whole lot of self-delusion, really.[/pullquote]
This is where the word queer comes in. It is for people, and places, and things that are, simply put, contrary to “the norm” in a radical way. In academic circles (i.e. places like Midd’s classrooms where people throw around words like praxis, epistemological, and cis-heteropatriarchy like they’re self-explanatory things), one definition of queer includes any presentation, identity, or performance which actively challenges the norm of heterosexuality and binary genders. This is where Foucault comes back in. Sara Mills gives a super easy-to-follow summary of some of Foucault’s theories on sexuality. For example, she simplifies how Foucault suggests “counter-identification” or “counter-discourses” as ways to find empowerment in “stigmatized individualities,” which is just a fancy way of saying that people can use the ways in which society shuns them to find community and empowerment; it’s why some lesbians call themselves dykes, and why some people (gay, lesbian, bi, and everywhere in between) call themselves queer.
The very act of claiming the term queer is actively subverting and challenging the ways dominant social powers shape the way people can identify and what counts as socially acceptable. In this sense, queer is an active word, and it is possible in identifying as queer some people are pointing to and embodying the ways in which their performance of identity and actions dispute normative expectations of gender, sexuality and sex. Make sense?
So, if queer is that which is “out of turn” with “normal” performances of gender and sexuality, and by some definitions even any identity or performance that is not straight, cisgendered, white, abled or upper-middle class (which, let’s be real, is the demographic which has historically held the more power and social capital than any other). That means a lot of people could fall into the category of queer, but not everyone that might fall into that category feels comfortable claiming that word. And that’s totally fine; the use of words like queer, gay, bi, lesbian etc. are all depended on how the person using them (or not using them) chooses to interact with those identifiers.
TL;DR, if you don’t vibe with the word queer because of the culturally loaded connotations it has for you, then it is your prerogative to not use that as an identifier! If queer isn’t a word that you use to describe you, your friends shouldn’t use it to describe you either! But it is important to know how and why the term came to be something that many people are proud to claim, as well.
I always love to hear from you lovelies, so if you have a question or burning comment, head over to go/sexpanther and hmu, baby!
Xoxo, Sex Panther
(02/14/19 10:59am)
Editor’s Note: Feb. 14 seems an apt time to revive our Sex Panther column. Throughout the semester you’ll be reading articles from Middlebury students of different identities and experiences on all things sex and relationships. If you have a topic you’d like to see written about or you’d like to write, visit go/sexpanther to get in touch with us.
A hallmark holiday that stems from the ancient Roman Lupercalia feast and the execution of its two eponymous men, Valentine’s Day continues to generate massive sales among U.S. consumers. While many outwardly disown the holiday as a cliché and a gimmick, the spending trend continues to rise. Last year Americans spent nearly $20 billion on Valentine’s Day (according to the National Retail Federation), up from 2017. Hallmark began churning out valentines in 1913 (per an NPR report) and over 100 years later the Hallmark card is still a staple in the classic Valentine’s Day gift along with candy, jewelry and clothing. Why do we still love spending money on Valentine’s Day? I have some theories:
1) If you build it, they will come. Celebrating Valentine’s Day is what you’re supposed to do, it feels wrong to not do anything. Even in elementary school it felt horrible if someone else was given chocolates and a heart-shaped anything but you weren’t — what does that teach us about love?
2) I’m in a glass case of emotion. Or, it may be that being vulnerable and sharing with someone you care about just what you love about them seems an all-too daunting task except on its designated day.
3) I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen. For some those words are always too scary and we prefer instead to buy gifts and hope that the message gets across.
Vulnerability in communicating your emotions is easier said than done, and I’ve definitely experienced that tongue-tied feeling of not knowing what to say or being scared to say what you really feel. But in challenging ourselves to be honest with ourselves and our feelings, and not just for show on Valentine’s Day, we can find more fulfilling and sustaining relationships.
This isn’t to say that the idea of Valentine’s Day is completely horrible. Yes, it started as “a drunken revel” in ancient Rome, and perhaps that’s what it has returned to, but having one day to celebrate love and its power could be awesome. What if we stopped buying into the capitalist commercialism that has overtaken Valentine’s Day and instead showed our love in other ways? Whether we are in a relationship, single, or somewhere in between, Valentine’s Day is a reminder to love, and not just romantically.
Making dinner with friends (using as many dining hall ingredients as possible) going to the Middlebury Discount Comedy show in Hep Zoo tonight (it’s free!), sending your friends notes about how amazing they are — these are all great ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day without buying into the traditional gifts we’ve been taught to expect. In the end, we all get to decide how and when we want to celebrate Valentine’s Day, if at all. The important thing is to share moments with the people we love. And if we need a holiday to remind us of that, then so be it.
Xoxo,
Sex Panther
P.S. those movie quotes were from Field of Dreams, Anchorman and Say Anything
(11/01/17 10:22pm)
First things first, figure out the roommate problem. Now that you’ve cleared the room, affirmed consent, and done what evolution commands, you’re just sweaty and cramped up in a twin bed. Most students on this campus sleep in a twin extra long bed 39” x 80”; barely enough room to fit you and your laptop side by side. Yet, you’ve made the decision to bring a full sized human in there with you. Constant shuffling and repositioning stifles creative and engaging sex. Cuddling, a wonderful piece of the sexual experience is reduced to a negotiation with space limits. Sleeping (everyone’s real goal) is simply out of the question. Size really does matter.
Seems impossible to rectify?
Try these simple tricks:
1) Try getting off the bed to have sex. Standing can be hot if done with intent and passion.
2) Fans. Fans. Always use a fan. It will cool you down and mask some of the noises or your rumpus lovemaking.
3) The gear room rents sleeping bags and pads. Lay them out on the floor and zip the bags together. Just make sure to have them back by the end of your rental!
4) Sometimes you don’t want to stay over. Twin beds are a great excuse to leave. Your partner(s?) might even appreciate it.
5) If you are staying over, make sure you each have a pillow. Nothing ends a relationship faster than fighting over a pillow. Trust me
6) Ask your partner how they like to sleep
If all this is too much and you just want your space, you can always masturbate.
Stay safe everyone.
XOXO (with a slight purr),
Sex Panther
(05/11/17 1:56am)
Full disclosure: The Sex Panther wrote this piece while slightly (okay — quite) tipsy. And she loves you the most.
Alright, y’all. I’m graduating in 17 days. That’s a scary short amount of time. I debated about what I wanted to leave you with in my final edition of the sex panther — an ode to female masturbation (seriously a god-send, y’all!), an interview with a professor who researches sexuality, why you should take a chance and reach out to someone you have a crush on in these last few weeks, or real-life stories of people doing it right (pun intended). Instead, I want to leave y’all with the bullet-points version of everything I know about sex and relationships:
One: Communication is key. I said this in the very first SP column I wrote and it’s the truest thing I know about relationships, whether a brief sexual encounter or long-lasting partnership. Being honest with our partners leads to better relationships and better sex.
Two: It’s great to experiment. If you want to try out something new, find a pressure-free way to introduce a new concept into your sex life. “Just for fun” trying something out is a lot easier to do than making a new component a big deal and loading on the pressure for both you and your partner to have a good time. (Handcuffs, blindfolds, dildos are highly recommended as first steps to introducing some kink into your relationship.)
Three: Masturbation is the bomb. Seriously. There is such a deep pleasure in knowing yourself and giving yourself time to explore your fantasies in the safety of your own bed. Plus, it’s a lot easier to explain to a partner what turns you on when you’ve done some solo exploration.
Four: The key to staying friends with your ex is (duh) communication. Be open to letting them know if you need space from them, especially at the beginning. Sometimes it helps to have horrifying fights about why you broke up, as long as you keep in mind that under all that hurt, you still care for each other and respect each other as human beings. Of course, if you don’t care about them deeply anymore and a friendship doesn’t matter to you, don’t bother.
Five: Tell the people you care about that you do care. I tend to talk A LOT, but when I need to tell someone how much I care for them, I let them know that what I’m saying is really important by slowing down, making some eye contact and saying really bluntly how important they are to me, how proud I am of them, etc. Implied love and affection is not communicated as clearly as we might think. Whether with friends or lovers, you have to let them know every once in a while.
Six: Don’t sleep with someone your friend dated, unless you’re willing to change that friendship forever in order to pursue a relationship the ex. I don’t care how chill your friend is, sleeping with their ex will change y’all’s relationship forever. Maybe it’ll change for the better in the long-run, but in the short-run, things will inevitably be tense. You have to be ready to deal with that tension in a mature way.
Seven: CONSENT! Constantly! This can just be a check-in, but it should happen during the entire sexual experience — from the first moment you approach one another at a party to the first kiss to post-sex cuddling.
Eight: No sexual desire should be shamed. That doesn’t mean you have to personally be willing to participate in something, but don’t shame the act or the people who might want to participate.
Nine: It’s not always about coming. Sex is ideally sensual and erotic, and that doesn’t always mean getting yours. It can mean being a generous and selfless partner one minute and the recipient of a lot of love the next. There is a lot of social baggage that goes along with this advice — cis-hetero men tend to think that the goal (and end) of sex is their ejaculation. But the point is really (besides baby-making) mutual pleasure, which doesn’t necessitate male ejaculation or even female orgasm, necessarily. My sex life has benefitted from a wider definition of sex that allows more room for the sensual and erotic outside of standard definitions of “sex.”
Ten: Don’t judge yourself for what you like. There is no shame in any sexual preference. Shame about sex is pretty much just a social construct that you don’t have to accept into your life. (Obvi, this doesn’t apply when a fantasy requires that a partner not give consent… consent rules all!)
Thank you, dear readers, for being open to my thoughts on sex and relationships this semester. I hope you found something you can use in your own life. Look out for a new sex panther next year — there’s always more to think about when it comes to getting it on!
Xoxo, Sex Panther
People who nail the combination of sexy, consent, comfort and new excitement. These are just examples of how some people were
Scene 1: A couple is walking home from the library...
Person A: Do you want to sleep over tonight?
Person B: Sure, I just have to be up early.
Person A: Okay. You know, it doesn’t have to be about sex… I just want to see you tonight.
Person B: *feels respected and honestly a bit horny*
(05/04/17 3:57am)
CW: sexual harassment
Last week, the Campus published an op-ed by alumna Esme Valette ’16 about “predatory pack behavior” on campus — male students dominating the Middlebury party scene in a culture of men “hunting” women. Thank you, Esme, for talking about this facet of campus culture.
The issue with pack mentality is that the group social norms override individuals’ initiative and decision-making. We get lazy and start relying on societally established rules of interaction and conduct to tell us what is a good or a bad decision. This leads to the tacit acceptance of rape culture on campus — in the way we talk about hooking up when sober and in the way we interact when we’re drunk. This is what leads so many to accept that we can put our hands on someone’s waist and start dancing with them without consent, for example. We see it as “just the way it works” in Atwater, or a function of the drunkenness, the cramped spaces, and our own horniness. Y’all, horniness or drunkenness is never an excuse for not getting consent for physical contact. Male students can go a long way to apply positive peer pressure on each other to stop this predatory mentality.
On the flip side, women can and do access a similar kind of pack mentality to combat the effects of this male-dominated, rape-culture-tinged party scene.
This less acknowledged female pack behavior takes the form of a quick check-in as to whether a friend is okay with receiving attention from a guy, running dancefloor interference if a friend is receiving unwanted attention or texting the friends you came with when you leave a party, especially if it’s with a guy. This sister-pack attitude is even more often fostered among members of a sports team, with upperclassmen and especially captains checking in with younger players to make sure they’re comfortable with the crowded situation. Some teams also talk about including other women in this party safety network, too — meaning they’ll reach out to any woman who seems uncomfortable or alone.
Women looking out for women is amazing, but this sisterhood dynamic a deep reservoir of power that has yet to be fully tapped into. Upperclassmen women: let’s step it up.
My first year at Midd, I was dancing with teammates in an Atwater suite when a guy came up behind me and put his hands on my waist. I brushed his hands off, but he put them right back on and tried to dance with me. So I brushed them off again, turned around and said, “Sorry, I don’t want to dance with you.” He reached for my waist yet again and said, “Aw, come on.” He swore at me when I didn’t swoon into his arms and ran off as I glared after him. I was shaken, but proud that I had stood my ground, especially after a senior told me, “Good for you. What a creep.” But what if, in the moment that a guy put his hands on me without my permission, a senior on the team had told him, “Hey, she didn’t say you could do that.”
But the reason no senior did that is that speaking up would have had a social cost. If no one else reacts to groping on the dance floor by pointing out that it’s essentially sexual assault, then the person who does point it out sounds dramatic, or like an outsider who can be ignored. To change this reality, it would take all of us. A concerted effort among all female athletes to shut down these commonly accepted forms of sexual harassment and assault.
If first years started their party experience at Midd with the understanding that it wasn’t acceptable to touch people without permission and that it was socially acceptable for women to stand up for each other in these moments, in four fast years, they could have completely transformed Midd’s party culture. So, to next year’s upperclassmen women — especially up and coming team captains — let’s harness our power, as the ~alphas~ of our packs of teammates, friend groups and student orgs, to set an agenda against the casual acceptance of a sexist party culture.
Xoxo, Sex Panther
(04/30/14 4:37pm)
For my last column of the year, I wanted to touch on a more serious issue. Inspired by recent events in my life as well as many friends, and also various Middfesh stories, I believe it is important to discuss the very serious issue of STDs (sexually transmitted diseases). While sex comes with a lot of great things, if people aren’t safe, it can come with some scary aspects, too.
From speaking with my peers on this campus, it seems that there is a general attitude of “it happens, but not here” with regards to STDs. I’m not sure why this is — perhaps it’s the relatively affluent make-up of the school, or the fact that no one seems to talk about these problems. But Middlebury is no exception. In fact, I have personally known more than a few kids with a scare or two. Getting tested is terrifying and nerve-wracking, but definitely important.
I myself have had my own scare. After a friend who I had been with notified me that they had tested positive for an infection, I was terrified. I had done everything right, put everything on correctly, but still went to get tested immediately. Luckily, everything ended up negative, but after getting tested, I realized how easy and how necessary it was, and how rarely college students actually seem to get tested.
Many people might believe that as long as you use a condom, everything will be fine. And to some extent, this is true. But what a lot of people forget is how easy it is to forget to use protection. The girl is on the pill, the last condom broke or expired, you are drunk and it feels better. The list of excuses for refraining from using protection goes on and on. And a lot of people feel that, with their 3.8 GPA, perfect figure and 3 job interviews lined up, that they are untouchable. Whatever the reasons may be, a fair amount of college students don’t always follow the seemingly “obvious” rules of sex protection. In fact, the National College Health Assessment estimates that up to one half of college students don’t use condoms during sex.
However, the lack of awareness about these issues actually makes the problem more serious. Some stats say that up to 80% of people infected with STDs show no immediate symptoms. This, combined with the College’s known hookup culture, makes spreading diseases that much easier. And even for those that get tested, going back and informing past partners is awkward, especially if they were a random one-night stand.
Some of the major diseases, such as HPV and chlamydia, can show absolutely no signs in men or women. However, in order to practice safe sex, it is extremely important to get tested. The CDC states that nearly one half of the 20 million people newly diagnosed with STDs year fit under the 15-24 age bracket. So remember, any time you think you’ve been in a risky situation, or even if you have recently switched a few partners, get tested. Yearly. The worst thing you could do is ignore these issues and potentially hurt yourself and the college community.
FYI: The Parton Health Center does STD and HIV testing, as well as the Planned Parenthood in town, and these are both normally confidential. There is a lot more information online so you can find the best method for you.
(04/16/14 5:21pm)
What’s in a name? As Romeo said, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Yet, in this day and age, names, and more specifically definitions, definitely matter. While many modern day college students enjoy the benefits of sexual freedom and the influx of information on sex, relationships have received much of the backlash from all of these changes.
A few decades ago, the boundaries of relationships were very clearly defined. People would be “seeing each other,” and after a while, if the feelings were mutual they would end up “going steady”. While the vocabulary might have changed, even up until more recent times, people traditionally would find a boyfriend or girlfriend first, and then the rest would follow.
But now, many relationships start with sex. You meet someone on a drunken Friday or Saturday night, and after some dancing or DFMOs, you both go back to a room, do the nasty and wake up in the morning for an awkward good bye, or if you are lucky, a relatively pleasant breakfast and quick hug goodbye. And then, you see the person one weekend, the next and the next. But generally both people are afraid of DTR, defining the relationship. But what do you call the guy or girl you sleep with every Friday and Saturday night but are definitely not dating and are barely even friends with? Is it exclusive? Is it going anywhere? Most of the time people don’t even really know, they just go along for the ride until it fizzles out or blows up.
Relationships, therefore, have kind of gone by the wayside. Instead, people have “things”, as they are often dubbed (can there be a more ambiguous word?), that pretty much just allow for miscommunications and insecurities. But what is it that has really changed? I believe that people have become more sexually expressive, but the requirements for dating have not adapted with people’s sexual activity. While having sex no longer has the same stigma, for some reason having sex with someone before you are dating precludes them from a datable option. Perhaps it’s because the idea of dating is still relatively conservative: the innocent expectations of a boy giving you a ring and going steady with him à la Grease are still going strong.
Who knows if this change is a good or bad thing? All I know is that there shouldn’t be a stigma to sex. As sex becomes more open, people’s preconceived notions need to adapt. And also, more importantly, dating should not go away! People shouldn’t use simple sexual relationships as replacements for actual emotional relationships; they aren’t the same. And while a consistent drunk hook up on weekends, (or even a sober hookup on weekdays), may be great, the lack of clarity doesn’t help anyone.
(03/19/14 5:16pm)
Friends with benefits. All of those words individually sound so nice. Friendship, that’s awesome. And benefits, who doesn’t want those? Yet somehow, often, these situations don’t end up working out as perfectly as people initially plan. At a place like Middlebury, with the “work hard, play hard, then work harder” environment we have, many people don’t have time for dating. But that certainly doesn’t mean that people don’t want to play, if you catch my drift. Yet, as many people realize by their second semester at Midd, random Saturday night hookups only get you so far. While the first one or two might feel really exhilarating, and afterwards you can tell people how “college” your Saturday night was, after a while it begins to lose its appeal. And also, nine times out of ten, the hook up isn’t really ever that great. It’s messy and drunk and awkward and the next morning you wake up as early as possible to avoid any and all conversation.
So many people find that a solution is friends with benefits. None of the pressure of dating, but all of the fun of hooking up with someone you know. But, trysts that are “No relationships, no emotions, just sex” as Mila Kunis so eloquently states in “Friends with Benefits,” are very hard to come by. In the end, there is always some sort of miscommunication.
I remember my first time trying out friends with benefits. Late into freshman year, I hooked up with this guy I knew, same friend group and what not. I knew he was a player, but he was hot, so I figured as long as I kept my expectations exceedingly low, there would be no issues. And then we hooked up again. And then we started hooking up on weekdays. Sober. In the afternoon. And, while all my girl friends insisted that this was totally the beginning of a relationship, I knew deep down that it wasn’t. We were friends, and we would talk before and after sex. But the purpose of the hang out was strictly sex. The only problem was that we were not on the same page at all. I figured we were hooking up exclusively; he didn’t. And it all blew up one night when we were at Atwater and I walked in on him hooking up with some random girl. After a night of drunken fighting, fight sex, and subsequent sober conversation we both realized how much we assumed about the other person’s impressions on the hookup. It’s amazing— you’d think that the fact that being friends and having sex without the pressures of dating would mean that you could be really open with what you want. But for some reason, in friends with benefits, people seem even more afraid to be honest. No one wants to be the one who’s more into the relationship, and yet no one wants to be a “douche” or a “bitch”, especially if you risk screwing up the friendship.
So what are Middkids to do? Dating can be great, but also time consuming and stressful, and for people looking for something less serious but still sexually gratifying, friends with benefits is there….a much better option than random DFMO’s (Dance Floor Make Outs) turned random one night stands. And they are. As long as they are done properly. After the first round failure with “sex friends”, I made a second attempt, and this one ended much less dramatically. We had been good friends for a while, and after hooking up a few times, just talked about how we wanted it to be very casual, and only when it was convenient for both of us. We also were much more open about what we wanted from sex, how we wanted to experiment and new things we wanted to try, which made it a lot more fun! And I think, the most important aspect to making “no strings attached” situations work is this: Not every day. Once a weekend, or every other weekend, definitely. But when you start getting into everyday hookups, you enter a dangerous gray territory. Only venture there if you really don’t care about getting hurt, or if you are a big risk taker. As I see it, friends with benefits should be a no-stress, no-nonsense hookup with someone you can trust. Don’t make it out to be more or less than it is.
(03/06/14 2:21pm)
I am your new sex columnist for the semester, nice to meet all of you! We are always hearing or talking about the “hook up culture” here at Middlebury, yet it seems that people here (girls especially, though I’m biased) never talk openly about sex! Instead, sex conversation is relegated to anonymous posts on Middfesh or the occasional drunk conversation. Which brings me to my first column topic: Start talking about sex!
I don’t encourage people thinking that they should be ashamed of any of their activity behind closed doors. Given that we are at a small school, no one wants to air out their dirty laundry, which makes sense. I’m not suggesting giving people all the little nitty-gritty details of your Atwater hook-up from this weekend. Instead, I want to encourage people to be more open about what they want sexually, specifically with the people they are going to be having sex with. Sex can be great, fun, awesome, exciting (among other things) but it really gets good when you feel like you can be open and trust your partner. And let me tell you, from stories and my own experience, there are way too many people who are having bad sex. Or worse, not even realizing they are having bad sex.
People at the College need to be more open with their sexuality. This means not being embarrassed because you like watching porn or not hiding that one little fetish you enjoy. It also includes being open with your limits. Sex isn’t for everyone, and it’s important to create an environment where people are comfortable to talk about what they like, but also what they don’t. Embrace your sexuality for what it is and what it isn’t. The more that people are in tune with their own sexuality, the better sex will be for everyone. Trust me!
There seems to be a divide between genders when it comes to opinions about sex at Middlebury. Guys tell me they regret “not going to a state school” because girls here are “prudes” and need to be more interested in having sex. According to them, girls aren’t interested in having sex. Let me tell you: many girls are interested in sex. But the difference is that girls worry about being judged for their behavior. They want to have sex, yet for some reason, there’s a stigma where they can’t act like they want it, for fear of being a “slut” or “whore.” On the other side, no one wants to be considered prudish, so people might also be participating in activities that they don’t feel comfortable with. Neither situation is desirable, for either party.
A solution? Start talking! The sooner we start talking about sex, the more we are going to feel confident that we aren’t the only ones with certain insecurities. And that is only going to make you feel more comfortable sexually, I promise.
I know people tend to be a little bit scared to get these kind of conversation started, so I’ll start it for you here in my column. I’ll try to discuss different sexual problems, frustrations or discoveries I have had or heard about on our campus here. But most importantly, don’t let the conversation end there. Keep talking. And discovering. And if you choose to have sex, make sure you are having better sex! You deserve it! We all deserve it! Don’t you dare sell yourself for less than you deserve. That is, sheet tangling, toe-curling, breathtaking, orgasmic sex (provided you want it, that is).
Here’s to getting the conversation started!
Xoxo,
Sex Panther (60 percent of the time, I work every time)