2008 Woodie Awards
Op-ed: Hey Administration! Lieb our Beirut tables alone
James O'Brien
Issue date: 10/10/07 Section: Opinions
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The biggest mystery in my life as a Middlebury College student is The Administration. I have absolutely no clue what an "administration" really is. When I close my eyes, I imagine a bunch of business people in powdered wigs. They are sitting at a long, wooden table, yelling at each other and pounding the air with gavels.
I don't think that's right though.
Actually, I don't really care what The Administration is because I already know that it is the root of every problem in my life. For example, today I found a note on the door of the sixth floor Milliken trash room. The door informed me via the note that I couldn't dump my trash behind it anymore. It said someone was living in there amongst the trash. That's not cool, Administration. I was willing to overlook the fact that you allowed a homeless man to start living on my floor, but when it meant I had to walk down three flights of stairs to dump my trash, I vow revenge! And your plan to ruin my life hasn't worked because next time I will take the elevator!
I also blame The Administration when Public Safety insists on taking beer pong tables because I know for a fact that the officers are cool people. If they weren't, I wouldn't be friends with them on Facebook. It's not their fault that part of their job description is the futile pursuit of Beirut tables. The real villain is The Administration who gives them their Beirut pursuit orders. One dangerously na've student once told me that The Administration is just worried about our safety. Ha! If this were true, a game in which students consume about a beer every fifteen minutes is the least of their worries. The bigger problem is that after they take the table, we students are at a complete loss for social activity. Sure, we could go to McCullough for the weekly "MCAB Forgot to Think of Something Else to Do Dance Party!" But that's just what The Administration wants us to do! So in rebellion, we valiantly sit in a circle, dutifully chugging vodka. Then we take a triumphant picture of three of us holding up the empty glass bottle. Just because you never know when Smirnoff might be scouring Facebook for new ad models.
I don't think that's right though.
Actually, I don't really care what The Administration is because I already know that it is the root of every problem in my life. For example, today I found a note on the door of the sixth floor Milliken trash room. The door informed me via the note that I couldn't dump my trash behind it anymore. It said someone was living in there amongst the trash. That's not cool, Administration. I was willing to overlook the fact that you allowed a homeless man to start living on my floor, but when it meant I had to walk down three flights of stairs to dump my trash, I vow revenge! And your plan to ruin my life hasn't worked because next time I will take the elevator!
I also blame The Administration when Public Safety insists on taking beer pong tables because I know for a fact that the officers are cool people. If they weren't, I wouldn't be friends with them on Facebook. It's not their fault that part of their job description is the futile pursuit of Beirut tables. The real villain is The Administration who gives them their Beirut pursuit orders. One dangerously na've student once told me that The Administration is just worried about our safety. Ha! If this were true, a game in which students consume about a beer every fifteen minutes is the least of their worries. The bigger problem is that after they take the table, we students are at a complete loss for social activity. Sure, we could go to McCullough for the weekly "MCAB Forgot to Think of Something Else to Do Dance Party!" But that's just what The Administration wants us to do! So in rebellion, we valiantly sit in a circle, dutifully chugging vodka. Then we take a triumphant picture of three of us holding up the empty glass bottle. Just because you never know when Smirnoff might be scouring Facebook for new ad models.
Viewing Comments 1 - 3 of 3
Tom Marfet
posted 10/11/07 @ 2:02 PM EST
Mr. O'Brien,
I know this article was partially in jest, but I think you actually make some good points. That being said, I don't think any of us understand how tough it is to be a member of the "Administration. (Continued…)
Baird Kellogg
posted 10/11/07 @ 4:06 PM EST
Great article James. You mixed your humor and serious points well. You should have a weekly column.
Ted Dillon
posted 10/11/07 @ 9:08 PM EST
j'mmer, i love your writing, big stuff someday, and your genius outwits us all. I can hear you reading this article to me outloud when i read it. Simply Stunning. (Continued…)
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