2008 Woodie Awards
Midd takes action against aliens
Ben Gore '05
Issue date: 2/17/05 Section: Opinions
President Liebowitz to Reinforce All Campus Roofs with Titanium to Prevent Alien Abductions
In a bold move to curb what the head of Public Safety described as a "growing rash" of alien abductions on campus, the freshman President of the College Ron Liebowitz announced today that the roofs of all residential buildings on campus would be reinforced with titanium. What he meant to say, he said in a second campus wide e-mail which read, that in fact a "stake holder" committee would be formed to debate the matter while he prepared the contract bidding and then went ahead regardless of their recommendations [for a complete description of disenfranchisement through irrelevant committees, see section VI of the College Handbook].
The current uproar on campus began last semester when several students reported looking out their window to see large, glowing, disk-shaped object hovering outside the fifth floor of Milliken. While staring at the light, the three young men reported feeling as if they were "melting away." When they returned to a solid state, they found they were inside what appeared to be a space ship. None could remember what happened after being taken aboard the spacecraft, which suggests that it was probably pretty fun.
The second incident occurred during a J-term workshop on contacting extraterrestrials using short wave radio. Despite the obvious technical drawbacks of shortwave - the fact that the waves never leave the atmosphere - a transmitter was assembled on the roof of the new Atwater dorms. Again, late at night, several young men saw a large, glowing disc and were "beamed" aboard. All were safely returned.
Many students were non-plussed. One anonymous Junior who sold all six young men what he called "significant" quantities of hallucinogenic bufotine toads seemed to think that the whole thing was fabricated. "If you want to stop partying with the aliens, stop licking the damn toads, dude."
Another student, Terray Sylvester, thought they had it coming, "Weren't those guys, like, actively trying to contact aliens? I mean if that's their goal, why should we be discouraging them from that, especially at such an expense?" Mr. Sylvester's companion at Ross dining hall, Mr. "Ahkong" Fuller wondered aloud, "Does anyone really know if titanium can guard against dematerialization rays?"
In a bold move to curb what the head of Public Safety described as a "growing rash" of alien abductions on campus, the freshman President of the College Ron Liebowitz announced today that the roofs of all residential buildings on campus would be reinforced with titanium. What he meant to say, he said in a second campus wide e-mail which read, that in fact a "stake holder" committee would be formed to debate the matter while he prepared the contract bidding and then went ahead regardless of their recommendations [for a complete description of disenfranchisement through irrelevant committees, see section VI of the College Handbook].
The current uproar on campus began last semester when several students reported looking out their window to see large, glowing, disk-shaped object hovering outside the fifth floor of Milliken. While staring at the light, the three young men reported feeling as if they were "melting away." When they returned to a solid state, they found they were inside what appeared to be a space ship. None could remember what happened after being taken aboard the spacecraft, which suggests that it was probably pretty fun.
The second incident occurred during a J-term workshop on contacting extraterrestrials using short wave radio. Despite the obvious technical drawbacks of shortwave - the fact that the waves never leave the atmosphere - a transmitter was assembled on the roof of the new Atwater dorms. Again, late at night, several young men saw a large, glowing disc and were "beamed" aboard. All were safely returned.
Many students were non-plussed. One anonymous Junior who sold all six young men what he called "significant" quantities of hallucinogenic bufotine toads seemed to think that the whole thing was fabricated. "If you want to stop partying with the aliens, stop licking the damn toads, dude."
Another student, Terray Sylvester, thought they had it coming, "Weren't those guys, like, actively trying to contact aliens? I mean if that's their goal, why should we be discouraging them from that, especially at such an expense?" Mr. Sylvester's companion at Ross dining hall, Mr. "Ahkong" Fuller wondered aloud, "Does anyone really know if titanium can guard against dematerialization rays?"