2008 Woodie Awards
a preface to lunch: Loose Change
James O'Brien
Issue date: 1/10/08 Section: Opinions
During Winter Break, while the religious folk were busy gathering frankincense and myrrh to prepare for the birth of Jamie Lynn Spears' little messiah, I was sitting on my couch, sorting through America's problems for the Barack Obama campaign. Barack's people called me years ago when he first ran for the Senate because he needed some help figuring out what America wants to hear - I've been working for him ever since. Through extensive research, I helped to discover something that politicians have known for years: Americans are not content with their lives, and this fact will swing every single political election until little Jesus Lynn Spears is old enough to show the world that love is the answer.
Let's look at recent American history. Our 42nd president, William Jefferson Clinton, was a Rhodes Scholar, a terrific saxophonist and a hit with the ladies. After eight years, America just didn't feel good. So we came up with reasons for our discontent - or the Republicans did. America is morally bankrupt, they said, and it's all thanks to Big Bill and the Dems. So we elected George W. Bush, a D student and former alcoholic who looked like a monkey. And we got change. Bush decided that war was the best idea for the country. And we looked around and thought, "Yeah, our lives aren't great … and they're in danger!" To war we went. And then the war went on too long, and we all started to make a weird face - we looked like a bad guy in one of the "Mission Impossible" movies. The war had pulled off its incredibly life-like mask and showed that it was not a war at all. It was Tom Cruise. And we were pissed.
So you would figure that we would want Bush gone to bring in the Vietnam vet, water-sport enthusiast, long-headed John Kerry. But discontented America still sometimes likes to do the unexpected. America is spiteful. So collectively we said, what the hell? Tom Cruise isn't that bad, right? Remember "Top Gun?" The part when he sings?
So as Obama - his first name was Reginald back then - was sizing up his presidential campaign, I told him two things: first, he would have to change his name to Barack. And second, he would have to become black.
Let's look at recent American history. Our 42nd president, William Jefferson Clinton, was a Rhodes Scholar, a terrific saxophonist and a hit with the ladies. After eight years, America just didn't feel good. So we came up with reasons for our discontent - or the Republicans did. America is morally bankrupt, they said, and it's all thanks to Big Bill and the Dems. So we elected George W. Bush, a D student and former alcoholic who looked like a monkey. And we got change. Bush decided that war was the best idea for the country. And we looked around and thought, "Yeah, our lives aren't great … and they're in danger!" To war we went. And then the war went on too long, and we all started to make a weird face - we looked like a bad guy in one of the "Mission Impossible" movies. The war had pulled off its incredibly life-like mask and showed that it was not a war at all. It was Tom Cruise. And we were pissed.
So you would figure that we would want Bush gone to bring in the Vietnam vet, water-sport enthusiast, long-headed John Kerry. But discontented America still sometimes likes to do the unexpected. America is spiteful. So collectively we said, what the hell? Tom Cruise isn't that bad, right? Remember "Top Gun?" The part when he sings?
So as Obama - his first name was Reginald back then - was sizing up his presidential campaign, I told him two things: first, he would have to change his name to Barack. And second, he would have to become black.
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