Proving he’s the whiner his biweekly pinochle club always thought him to be, Mexican President Felipe Calderon is getting all sorts of whiny over the new Arizona immigration law, which is also known by the robo-sounding name SB1070. Experts are shocked that Mexico’s fearless leader is still talking to the press despite the ongoing controversy…

In honor of this being National Cognitive Dissonance week, I happily bring you a flurry of poorly researched information about topics you don’t want to think about. You can thank me later.

As an opinion columnist for the prestigious Middlebury Campus, I occasionally receive visions of the future. This week, I was fortunate enough to be granted, on the occasion of this, the week of Spring Preview Days, a scattered glimpse into the next four years of one anonymous young pre-student whose parents are about to commit to paying MC, like, $60,000 per year for the privilege of receiving Julie Hoyenski e-mails.

I’ve set a goal: In the next couple weeks I will generate a mind-blowingly awesome, socially-conscious-yet-irreverent opinion about some tragically overlooked aspect of the world. In the absence of that opinion this week, here are some topics which are rising in popularity this week, according to www.middlebury.edu and www.IMDb.com:

I read The Middlebury Campus last week. That was a mistake. Everyone seemed so very angry, especially in the Opinions section. So this week, I’m searching my e-mail inbox and finding good things to say about people who have e-mailed me.

Julie Hoyenski — Other than spam from porn sites, there’s nothing in the e-mail…

So, writing opinion columns is getting old at this point. There’s only so long a person can go on pretending he thinks what he thinks is important, especially when graduation seems so close. With all this fear and nostalgia buzzing around in my head, there isn’t much room for complaints.

Have you ever looked around the dining hall and started thinking derogatory thoughts about how people are disgusting animals?

Over this Thanksgiving break, my friends from high school and I got together in Boston for a “Boy’s Night Out.” Of course, we didn’t call it “Boy’s Night Out” — that would have been embarrassing — but as a graduate of an all-boys Catholic school, any attempt to hang out with friends ends up with us rolling 10 men deep into bars that tell us they would really prefer it if we could get a female to come along next time.

Last Sunday, I participated in a little discussion group/lecture type thing called “How You Livin’?” Apologies to you readers for including references to my exciting social life in this column for another week. You must be thinking, “First Quidditch, and now a discussion group/lecture-type thing? This guy must be the life of the party!” Yes,…